Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”

– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car