Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
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At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat