Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
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Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape