Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

And then there were 4