Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
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i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I have written yet another poem about laundry
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Anyone want a chair?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening