Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
You Might Also Like
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.