Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.