Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates