Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.