Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

🙅🏻

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

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