Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands