Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

absolutely not

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
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