Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!