Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
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My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
