Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

weird email i got today

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.