Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody’s gonna understand

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

Yoga Matt

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.