Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Bed should get ready for ME
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please