Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

Florida be like…

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

Mornin. * use accordingly

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.