Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

No.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.