Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.