Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

I didn’t come here to be called names

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.