Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Happy Halloween 🎃
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My dad is at it again
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow