Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
You Might Also Like
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
not seeing the problem
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.