Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
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A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
🙅🏻
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”