Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”