Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool