Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.