Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Just say no
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Taking phone security to the next level.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
When you don’t understand how floors work
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth