Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?