Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
How to shape your eyebrows
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bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
🤣dope
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.