Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
kevin is now a local weatherman
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.