Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
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Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.