Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.