Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

when nothing goes right… go left

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Twitter remains undefeated

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”