Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
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I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me