@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

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@badbanana

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

@Holbornlolz

Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years.

“Installing update 1 of 97”

@TheAlexNevil

*gets paper cut

*curses God for his cruelty

*sees commercial about starving children in Africa

*curses God for commercial interruptions

@AnkCoupleTO

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

@PorkUrPine

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

@Parkerlawyer

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@stevevsninjas

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.