Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years.
“Installing update 1 of 97”
*gets paper cut
*curses God for his cruelty
*sees commercial about starving children in Africa
*curses God for commercial interruptions
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Before I accept a new job I always ask where my statue will be erected.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.