Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
yeah not falling for this one
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .