Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You Might Also Like
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My fantasy football season is going great
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.