Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
The Wolf of Wall Street.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.