Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
You Might Also Like
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
What personal space?
My dog
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.