Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Heroic Misunderstanding
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Have kids, they said
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married