Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.