Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

me, after any kind of buffet.

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.