Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
When my son was little he asked me where poo came from. So I went thru this awkwardly disgusting story explaining the process.
He looked up at me confused with a quivering lip and said….. and Tigger?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?