Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?