Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.