Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot