Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.