Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Anarchy
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Breaking news:
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.