Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though