Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.