Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
How tf did it end up there?
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
okay run it by me one more time
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Its true…
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
