Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Can you solve the riddle??
