Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I’d rather go liquor treating.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
