Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.