Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*