Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
You Might Also Like
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.