Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
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Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees