Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

grotesque if literal: baby food

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?