Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

@ghostkrogh

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

@dire_beard

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

@Velocycrator

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

@FrenulumBreve

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

@ashmensch

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

@JB4Realz

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

@_Awwsomeness_

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

@Mr_Kapowski

[hails Satan]

[Satan pulls up in his cab]

@ArfMeasures

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy