Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.