Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“i miss shittin on people”
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.