Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

(yawn)

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

Woke up against my better judgment again

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.