Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
That’s no pocket rocket.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram