Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
When they try to steal your moment.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life