Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost