Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Huge if true.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]