Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.