Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
🔥🔥
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My safe word is Worcestershire
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
🤣😂🤣
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
honey, bring out the fine china.
