Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese