Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
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if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
This sounds bad:
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Midwest trash talk
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
consequences, the bane of my existence
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?