Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao