Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

The Others (2001)

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?