Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.