Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask