Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
thinking about this
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*