Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.