Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
yes… yes…
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My whole life was a lie.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this