Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)