Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
You Might Also Like
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?