Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.